Down under, in these parts, McDonald’s is currently running an ad where a guy stands around holding a cack burger in one hand and does manly stuff with the other hand, although one obvious scenario is omitted. This is not a comment on the terrible hours some folk have to work without food or toilet breaks. No, it is a jovial love letter to the beautiful design of the humble sandwich. Legend has it that Lord Sandwich invented his eponymous snack when his troops didn’t have any plates, or something like that. I can’t really remember the story, if only for the fact that it seems to be too good a tale to be true; I find it hard to imagine that one man can be credited with inventing the obvious action of ramming stuff between two bits of bread. Although, everything has to be invented at some point, there was once a time before the Spork, so perhaps it is true.
Regardless of the verisimilitude of this creation story (Sandwich Preacher: “And the Lord took up ham that had fallen on the floor, and bread that was just sliced and lo, he place’d the ham betwixt the bread and spread on the Branston, spicing us with life”) there is no doubting that the sandwich is a true triumph of convenience food design, engineering and consumption.
Unfortunately, like all good design, it can be undone.
I shall not speak of the open sandwich, for it speaks for itself.
However, even the closed sandwich can be hobbled by man’s inability to leave something good and pure, well alone. I have a big mouth, I can bite clean across a club sandwich without much trouble. However, I recently came across some burgers that bugger with the sandwich formula through a process of sheer gluttony.
The Heart Attack Grill (HAG for short) sells burgers in several sizes, see if you can work out the formula for their naming convention. The Single Bypass Burger looks like it can be held with one hand, as a good sandwich should be. I think those with big hands could possibly get a grip of a… can you guess what it will be called… Double Bypass Burger, although I think it would be messy, which is a slap in the face to the functionality of this awesome snack. After that the whole idea of convenience seems to be booted out of the building, down the street and into a large corporation, where it learns how to move slowly and wreck things. The Tipple Bypass Burger is tall, but the… what could it be… Quadruple, that’s right, Bypass Burger has scaffolding, constructed by grease drenched Doozers from Fraggle Rock (looking like John Wayne in a miniature remake of Hellfighters), to keep it together.
I should be angered by such ridiculous bathing in the questionable pleasures of heart disease, but really, it’s just the damage to the reputation of the sandwich that narks me. That and the fact that I have found myself coming out in favour of a McDonald’s cack burger. Dum dum dum dum dum… Not Lovin’ It.