Dear Heineken Take Your Vile Drink Elsewhere… | March 15, 2013

I don’t like Heineken, I think it’s a rubbish beer.

That in itself isn’t a problem, but I have to take a stand against this foul flavoured booze because their reach is becoming invasive.

The problem began for me in 2011 at the Rugby World Cup. Somehow Heineken managed to wed itself to the event, becoming the official beer of athletes. Having an official beer of a major sporting is even even worse than Coke’s connection with nearly everything else. Really Coke, you have what to do with Olympians exactly?

In Wellington we had a great harbourside place called the Fan Zone, which had a big screen showing world cup games and a bar serving booze. Outside we could sit, watching rugby and sipping ale. But, of course, there was only one ale, Heineken, because they’d wrapped it all up in their greenbacks. I chose not to drink, because what the hell is the point of putting on weight and working your liver for something that doesn’t taste good?

Then along comes 2012 and the first James Bond film in four years, Skyfall, a film I’d been waiting for for years. Amid such a joyous event there was a red starred fly in my amber ointment – a James Bond themed advert for Heineken. Really, James Bond would touch Heineken, would he? Which brand manager thought that? Obviously one who doesn’t give a damn about James Bond. A bottle of the beer even turned up in Daniel Craig’s hand in the movie, but only when he was moping and being decidedly sulky and un-heroic, so there was some justice.

So Heineken dogs me, helping to cast a shadow over things I like. And now, well tonight, I’m scrolling through Facebook and BAM! there’s a sponsored Heineken post! Aaarrgh! I would rather pay a subscription fee to Facebook than see this loathsome edifice of mass produced beer trash anywhere near anything me or my friends blab about.

And what next for Heineken? I dread to think, and I daren’t even joke, for fear they may discover what else I like and then ejaculate their bloody fizz shit all over it. 



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